For years I have been convinced that the architect who designed the tract houses in my subdivision was brain damaged. However, I am now convinced that he was bound and determined to foil any possible logical furniture placement or wall/ceiling treatment. My house has good square footage, but it is so chopped up that the architect must have sat up nights for months watching every decorating show and reading every book to insure that the room would be at least 6" short of allowing a sensible flow, and to insure that walls and ceiling could never be faux painted or wallpapered without major inconvenience and eternal dust. He must also have purposely drawn the plans to insure that no wall, ceiling or door frame could be replaced with a stock item. I can must imagine this demented architect sitting up with his cronies saying,
"Yep, I think I have worked out a floor plan which could put an end to all honey do lists. I have included treatments on the walls and ceiling which are sharp enough to tear a roller to shreds, I have made every surface, opening and built in so far off that the only way to replace them is to spend a fortune having them hand built. I have insured that the furniture can only be laid out one way--yep, I sure love that bowling alley look with the couch at one end of the room and plenty of space for the little lady to restock my beer and pretzels. She can't ask me to move the furniture because I made certain that there could be no walk thru if it is pulled away from the walls, and even if she tries to get tricky, I foiled that by putting in only 3 outlets. I also made the cathedral ceiling so that the center beam doesn't look centered, and put an opening wherever I felt like it. I strategically placed the ugliest possible fireplace in such a way that even if she gives up on
the idea of a sofa and just goes with chairs, she will still be foiled by having to set them to look at the ugly fireplace or the TV. I made certain that the walls are so out of plumb that moulding would only emphasize the flaws (the only molding I want in this house is on the half sandwich I didn't finish last Friday). I even made certain that the only way she could try to run more wiring in the room would be by breaking up the concrete floor or removing part of the roof. I stopped her from bringing in plants by placing only one window in the room. I purposely measured the breakfast nook (emphasis on the nook) so that no human can use it--even if they try some fancy schmancy banquet like that guy with a beard and dress shows. After all, if she can put a table there she won't let me eat on a tray in front of the TV. I was even smart enough to make certain that she couldn't make herself a sitting room there by making certain that the only view is of the street or the
kitchen. I didn't give her enough cabinets to have fancy dishes. I mean, how much room do you need to make meat and potatoes. If she wants to do any baking, she can just set up a piece of plywood on two saw horses in the backyard. If she looks like she is trying to make something good maybe I'll go out and hold an umbrella over her head while she kneads the dough."
Helppppp!
All kidding aside, is there any type of faux treatment that I can use on a cathedral popcorn ceiling. My allergies are so bad that I would probably not be able to breath for months with the amount of dust created by sanding. The dry wall is so poor that if I could sand it down it would probably have to be retaped and floated. My DH advises that we probably couldn't even put a skim coat over the existing popcorn treatment without having the possibility of it pulling down portions of the drywall. I thought about upholstering the ceiling, but I'm not certain what to do as far as seams. I have thought about trying to make a green house effect--taking thin foam board upholstered with faux painted muslin (painted to look like a sky with clouds) and using furring strips either covered with vertigred copper strips and or perhaps just the wood painted the vertigre color, so that the ceiling would look like the inside of an atrium. I don't know if that would work or what type of
treatment to use on the ugly center beam. Since the only ceiling light is in the beam--the light kit on a ceiling fan with too little room on the beam to incorporate a remote receiver to allow for a dimmer switch--I was trying to think of some way that I could perhaps use rope lights the full length of the beam to create a glow.
I thought about cutting plywood or foam boards to create the look of a vaulted ceiling and putting the rope lights between the layers, but I can't see that making sense unless I actually dropped the ceiling to hide the center beam.
I even thought about creating squares in the ceiling using stepped back and layered strips and making color copies of paintings to fit in the squares, but I think the room is too small for that and too dark.
My furniture is Regency with heavy Far and Mid-East accents. The ceiling kind of runs uninterrupted from the entrance through the great room (what a laugh) and then down the hall toward the bedrooms. I would have to think of some clever method of making a logical stopping place for the ceiling treatment. Even worse, the room forms an L with the L allegedly being the breakfast nook. I'm not certain how the L ceiling would look untreated with the cathedral portion being treated. I am also not certain that the L portion could be treated as it runs uninterrupted into the kitchen.
I thought of tenting the room, but I don't think I could use pleats because of the dust.
I also thought about using the foam boards cut into squares and aneglypta wallpaper. Is there some way of fastening the boards to the ceiling after they are papered and painted? If that treatment would work, would you do it the same as a tile floor (starting in the middle and going out to avoid weird cuts at each end)? If so, the middle would probably be somewhere slightly overlapping the beam. Should I treat the area on either side of the beam as a separate floor--finding the middle of that side of the room and the middle of the other side of the room and going out from there?
Too much of an investment would cause the house to become a white elephant.
Can I just click my heels and say "pink chiffon" three times. Maybe then Kurt or Liz would come to my rescue. Hey guys! I''m just outside of New Orleans, Mardi Gras, Super Bowl, Jazz Fest. Can anyone say "Road Trip."